K&C - Kirk addresses his absence from the show and his mental health issues 8-10-18

Mut & Callahan
Friday, August 10th
Kirk addresses why he's been away from the show over the last few days and the state of his mental health over the last couple months.

Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Okay our team Kirk Italian. Back cherries here much here. Maybe we can back next week. I was not I was scheduled to be in the last Friday. I was scheduled to be off Monday Tuesday and Wednesday Thursday I think today's well I was knocked. And so. I guess. And he listens to the show we joke around temperature makes fun before and he'll continue to do because that's what friends do want that I believe it's connected. I've had mental. Health issues in the past and depression that was some. Hospitalized for. A couple of times in my senior year in high school. For awhile. In an up and down up down here you know in my life as the lights somebody was depression which is the real thing and an illness like anything else. I say in the past year or so. You can follow development parents. Had a hard time we did not handle well. I think in the past you particularly over the last couple of months it's really. Accelerated. Two point it's never been the Ford really bubbled up it's even more so for the last three weeks four weeks. The point where. Really for the first time in my life I started having more I guess his turned suicidal thoughts. And the way manifests itself for me. Was I think I've. Hid the fact I was thinking about doing it by pretending in the weird way like I was almost doing research it or. If you Federer. Or you might or might handed me the day almost came up to me to listen I mean the commit suicide. On day X. I'd like you put together the plane that's absurd to think about it. I read books I want on line two on one line reported it's like an awesome rattled reverence. Figured the safest way to do it the VC way to do it the way to do with it. May not look like you're actually doing it history up at the percentage of success percentages of failure. And landed for some reason. On trains got sort of focused on trains. And there's a commuter rail obviously there's a bunch of them as a commuter rail that goes from Walton or station you know. And stop a couple of times and Winchester. Didn't Winchester senator wage here is like a mile if that. And doesn't pick up the kind of speed they would do required damage. However the one from wage mere. To Medford. Would and begin to look at that one on the train few times. That way tests. That would sort of walk a couple of times walked the route. And there's you know serve would he thinks what sort of hide in and whenever in the day last Thursday. I want the middle day. Take a look can watch it go by and said okay well there's 756 Alice is what goes right in West Medford and 8 o'clock period of two wood wedge from here. And said you know I'm gonna go and again I was lying to myself I think in saying that. You know I'm cynical look I'm I'm gonna look a good look I'm gonna look I was thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it. And there was you know it in the hawkish right before wandering around the which we train station. Going around the parking lot and walker on the field around there. And right right a few minutes before I I would I stood in front of the my car has had in I don't I don't want to do this I don't want it. Hi I don't but I know. I don't want a guy thousand noticeable this this thing in my head keeps talking about this and saying examine this and look at this look at this in the words suicide. Suicide suicide. And affect how I felt internally I felt for the past couple weeks like knives having a heart attack almost all the time I was having a hard time breathing. I was also playing this character a on the air who was feeling good and around my family was feeling dude and talking my Brothers who was feeling good and joking in doing that meanwhile sort of dying and the inside so I simply. Cannot live like this anymore I have to get over. After you. Give up whatever power right have. And I drove the car to which has hospital. And walked up to the emergency room people in the woman and said you don't have been very dangerous thoughts. That was the beginning of the you know five days of customization between we gesture that overnight McLean for four nights where. You know I went in and I feel a little better and I feel cathartic being able to tell my wife and family and friends I was going through this. There's a burden I didn't handle well and in this last year. You're just between. You know a my parents and and obviously be good thing it's an I have to get past that I don't know why but so hyper focused on that. Is this guy who's been you know trying to bring down our show honestly you know I have not handled that well she just say this is a bad guy. Who's trying to screw with us but I I think moved the anger I have. Still in my parents is common resolve all that stuff I faster that allow myself to sort of again hyper focused on this of this person who's not worth the second of my time. And I will never be bothered him again he can do what he wants to do. And I just have to move on have to stop getting to work worked up about stuff like that. I have a great life I have great family for great job and work with people who love I love Jerry. I love my. Two of ten. Curtis works here. I love him too. And I have to do you know move past all that stuff in you know this is a real thing and I'm not. Embarrassed or ashamed of old suffered from depression I think I kinda was in the past that joke around about it. But I felt emasculated by the don't want anymore and I'm not gonna do that anymore. Am I on. I'm happy I'm here now I am gonna be here and I'm gonna have down times to the important thing for me I think is to recognize and I had these down times. And and tell people right away as opposed hiding it hiding hiding it doesn't benefit me at all at all comes from. Childhood stuff like everything else I have to figure that they'll put. Right now I feel OK I feel pretty good but I think as sort of a temporary higher right now because I've been. Able to talk about two weeks from now troops now control feel grateful I'd have to be honest about. But you know that's so that's that's where a match and I mean I can. We can talk about good days in McLean and indeed that's what it is it's you're inside the mental hospital of people who were really really really really sick they stay in bed all day. Upset about stuff they're sort of stereotypical people we expect in those places. But they're they're sick in the it's it's it's a horrible mental and so horrible. Horrible thing it's his it's his it's as dangerous sending out more dangerous thing is really leads to more deaths ills. So I'm just trying to figure it out and get my head around that number in the fight it in and that's format right now that's why I was out for the last couple of days and. So that's that's that's it that's what did you think of drinking or drugging and at no point and I didn't know I never do. About part of it was amazing to me that that takes real strength I think that part of my life is is gone now than desired that's progress did ya know I have no desire or many of the people in there and claims review. Oh yeah. That's either huge part that's what you had to blow no straw correct you're right I got checked and to. So I checked myself from the Winchester. And you go to a separate wing is a security guard watching authenticate your shoelaces that it felt they take your money clip the tape your phone and take. All the stuff the security guys are very nice guy. This probably twenties and thirties I'm in their hours on them masks. It comes to me treatment and construction big fan said thanks okay yeah ask your question with sport in the but even if not he's a nice. It's always in these big. Equipment of like Carter total and I was in the days. And illustrate that Iowa and I think the Red Sox at the time off. They're fair questions that I didn't. But that's could I admit I'm I'm surprised that it's not a temptation at that point just ease the pain not a temptation I got no right I can see why would be I have no desire to do good. Detonated an army benefited. Well and now you're actually on medication for the first times I've known also that among a couple medications right now among Alexa probe. Which from the continued taken for awhile they had me on a very slight dosage of an anti psychotic medication. Which is probably. You know I think I broke issued up about it from each. I do not taking medication years years has been a long time you talked about on on the year you feel sometimes these different. Big difference too you know on Medicaid just feel you know I'm concerned. It's a weird thing I'm concerned professionally. That if he'd taken medication and lose what is meet meet successful professionally too so I have to balance that. You know but it's you can do it yeah I think so I think and I think so Saud I mean I'm just in the yeah that's a good month he balances itself and for that you BCA gays and yeah two good point but that thing that I I will never understand never Bailey of my mind around. And every time I read about. Anthony boarding or. Kate Spade I wonder. When did you stop think and objectives men went in we don't we don't I did that's why I'm alive and a good point. If you are not you know they they write that they're now I feel horrible for them I and a ten years regardless of their selfish and not. I would say that I mean the best explanation I heard it was one of some professional like promote sport game. Said you don't think about anything but the pain and this is the way to end and the pain I get it and I can just tell you from mine and I've I've been down never discount ever in the past few weeks. I hole lead completely understand where people do that I didn't I elected not to Lackey had a great support group. Now wasn't as mentally sick as those people but I can tell you I understand I would've understood but. Even three months ago news is depressing a dumb question how can do that to accuse. You're sick. It's an illness it's it's in Pakistan which are not like sending a closet Sanders I believe the same things that he had cancer kids. He's dye your kids you don't want to lose and you lose two homeless that would be like if you stop going keep in touch but I really thought about Achilles affirmatively I mean look I think honestly we're tuchman in balance I you're asked me describe him chemical balance. But I would think when you go to the train the thing on your mind is hiring Kate yes that's exactly. And that's why didn't jump in front of it. But some people do I think. Ordinary things that there are so bad they are so awful there sort president and their kids wife would be better if they were gone soon as that's that's work that was assured the young kid about it but I do think for people who are really and again I just think there's there's just levels I think he gets the point so. And I and I like if I had gone home that night. In it was a man alone bite on home that night. And tried to sleep again like I would have cracked trying to go back to work the next there I was at the point where I was like I understand mental break I was right there. And I get if I'd been 10% worse. Like I I completely get a penalty you ache and only. Kate Spade she did what she had two kids. It's. A dollar but just the daughter of one that's right one daughter as she was she as she she's young you execute was young like fourteen pictures making but in my shoes thinking shoot. Wrong but she was thinking. My life that my kids like who better without me now again you're asking somebody who's. Mentally ill to think like they're not mentally. But you know only removing yourself from the equation too traumatized. And backed it but they're not thinking. Are wrong and did it did and I'm not judging an armed I don't I just say I can't get my mind around absolutely it does it's not rational but they're not in the position to be rational well that's just what it is alas my dumb question how much of admitting it in and Chilean plane and started talk about this. Was Parnell made you feel that announcement but the part that's less Sibley guide right now this is a temporary high side though. When it gets you know it once tweeting how wonderful you are now when centigrade you feel good you feel burdened. Then three weeks now respected feeling Gagnon stomach will then questions can be honest and talk about why. Family therapist which I've done I mean you know you do this stuff where it's just. You're afraid to talk about it in on I don't know why that is but that's something about. I don't know. I don't know if everyone's afraid to talk about something that you're more open than most guys that get that I don't like you know when your sort of I think there's a lot when you're sort of now. The oldest person your side of the Stanley in new decades you perceived as being. It's in I think it's sometimes for me was embarrassing talk about. The fact of them had this illness that it's just it's almost like this psychic pictured when you're knowing that your life he's going to be captive after it's going to be with me. For the rest of my life. For you know for the next three weeks and political. You when that. We went to McLean is a Republican. Yes yeah it's only ever thought I bet that's that the army for OK good. Two in the fall look toward the end of the full book a selected few around for awhile longer whether they way to try to bump and what is better start awful. What you want it would be whether we could take week opted to two degree of its troops to Africa but that are trying to go to guy goes go to Florida because you tell people to get but did you think when you went to the Clinton might be longer term thing and whatever five days. Yes or no I didn't think. Richard fry that that was I was overnight in Winchester month earlier it was not thinking who's going to be. Three weeks or three housing and it wasn't I didn't ultimately. But my what their I saw this I mean I want to I want it to live one once I was sort of on Burma that I'm Michael K good let's go let's I don't wanna sit around here. Let's go and their people there that need to be there are people that are good people in the nurses and doctors were awesome. But their people there who knew that when we know that in some one that we would recognize Julia. Claudia gives fans out there plenty paths and when afraid because they now came to duke and beat it may be curtain and patience yes Alec. I don't his nurses. I don't know I would say with all due respect to the patients and only gain any idea who bets they're in their security guard. Security guard a couple of nurses couple doctors are all very nice bit but yeah. Yes I think they'll like cook whose pastors that little. I went in when I was there in 93 not in the claim I was wasn't 93 that was still cuckoo's assessment the first night. In them in a room with a pat walls the first night are observed that's why I was scared to go back to place such as I was. Terrified Thursday night actually terrified but it was not it was like it's it the problem planes is. There's a problem too old or the bill little right so it's kind of Shutter Island right but they have tried to upgrade it to meet. But the times are quite there yet say there's only 1015 years behind. Terms filed but it's it was not everyone is great news the but I mean the doors were open checked in Europe and five minutes on the you know these these are real I mean this is a real pain so yeah yeah. No precise and it's not a real thing though I'm saying I'm saying it you'll defensive. Leaving no one notes has not real thing you know except for a couple Texas owns Cohen reports whom saying I'm saying that have been your McClain were the couple called the real deal. I'm sure it's a world renowned yeah that's right yeah. I think it is that the guy believe it is that you said the other day grew a couple weeks we've never been surprised because it's I never aids in your neighborhood and see its fighters from my house panel will show up in there now beautiful girl I've been aired three times or whatever last week I'd never been their my life. Ever this or beer. There's no beer that's the footlocker foods may not overwhelmed that I confess that I was gonna say picky eater like you to find anything she like seniors this fellow hostages restaurants are hot stuff with the rock Fazio bill. The the waffles were little a little trash. There are a little. It's good time for any 24 hour fast that's a good point urge T talk about everything on the air obviously it was at any point we like mediation this is an outside on Larry never never never does have some balls never does not not I don't talk about openly adding assault was I think he's does a sizable we deal I would I would say that. I would say that my dad the special podcast lecturer talk to both my parents got some emails from people in the eyes of people that really help them. And that it im not gig on the cliche here but this is a real thing I think guys our age. Depression still as a stigma of being sort of famine emasculated and that's not the case. At all actually not the case also if it's a couple people going through a you're this and feel a little better and say you know I will. Amok in the skip that therapist went there will take those pills today right. Awesome and by the way I think it's interesting I think people terrible many terrible the show so we talk that's what we do on the shore. Absolutely and it never crossed my mind hypocrisy tiger could. Well it has in the past you think about it redeeming. The U he said you've hidden hidden OJX pressed them shirt when she admitted she yourself and admitted to open that was okay talk about here. Yeah I was we had lunch Thursday night told. Except the cattle or wife this too that you were never. Should never rarely is level headed that you were reasonable. Post because we were no complaints about the movies and boisterous little baby in the mean like you always are but. At lunch you very reasonable we talked about things we have to do going forward him channels which are still things right in the two good. A man felt OK yeah I mean did it with a that they should now but I mean it was so it's 76 hours before that there so. The median. Activities aimed at nothing I don't understand you were very reasonable and rational. There I say Spain and Britain announced Thursday to whatever that wants to 1 o'clock 2 o'clock tonight thought thank you couple Mosley war and on the road trek six is seven my actually 67 if you lay down attracted to think that I thought I was going to resembling down the trackside notes is doing at the train goes all you maybe you'd be like you know. You do that George pay its. Oh a live I live I have to follow that. Yeah you and I don't know why I know I can explain why trains were beat became this thing alike and because it's sure thing. Two short things she Margot Kidder kill yourself with an overdose of alcohol and pills that were short the -- climate model here. Soup is closely. B I climb up fifty sort of jump off shore shore there of the shore things I mean. But you'd you'd be surprised it's hard to do fifty story building you know in the in Lexington whatever you beat the Boston bridges that that's the only. I was wonder gone over the Tobin Bridge loans Charles Stewart it was ensured that he is now I don't know there was something missing now you hit water it always feels that respect. Girl who opposed to sixty foot breaking five ribs would surprise her friend by her friend pushed roughly sixty with that you broke five groups yes cheap. Yeah and lets you know she lost friend Almeida made but but he went viral load Jerry I don't care how high it is filling and water feels like him could survive and could be in the worst and surviving and be paralyzed. Knowing that you know failed to know knowing that you probably are gonna have there's a chance most of those attempts fail. Great one attempt I was once he's up a couple of things suicide attempts in general most fail but that's why is that for returning correct code that success rate that is high. The 99 points at the earliest immensely and so there's point 3% survive trends yeah I'm sure. What's the success rate of like hanging itself would not great. Seems to agree that you yourself not great not great pathetic a lot of people the last second this stuff like that in them. That's placed was put Jamal. Yeah you're an expert if I didn't I didn't either just got economic. Well if you had one might be right among again. You have put bug borrow one of the night and again. On the street Lou Brock and a place I'd open a profit or you don't pick you up front of the glows on Spencer right now engaging that's true that's true called it you. Welcome to Q that's true but I mean everything and I'm probably did and it's just those dumb question. All the people that would be happy if you did would probably wouldn't trust it doesn't. I mean because you're very competitive you know they they wind if you do I say it's a short list of people will be truly happy. I mean it's short as people at the happy happy he fired that's a long happy Simi commit suicide with kids is short list yes but those people they exist out there and as watching their office soldiers serving. Mean I've got some a hole friends but I don't have anyone that would punishment for sixty foot cliff palace the last one we needed to be on that list. You know the people the series suspects. Ray people now and then. I don't care about who did all the guy you used to hear about it until about a but I you're not gonna let him get back into my announcement productive you. Course not a lot of times we do unproductive writes we can continue to try and bring us down that's absolutely fine and good luck. That's that's a mean I guess because you don't have any control. Right we have nobody knows people who really matter up top to hamper back summits of that that I'm no shrink but I think. The lack of control it's what drives you nuts yes that's exactly. I feel the same way it is nothing you can do nothing at least not within law and you know and in its not like I said the wires or the screwed up and I just moved somewhere else. You know that's that's that's what you wanna take these calls its New York caught it and it's up to you guys I've I don't let a little while it it's about you wanna talk to you that wanna. Make funny humorous I I well wanna do I don't wanna do a thing where like people called talk about the depression that's really believe. An Oscar these. Clubs sank necklaces with this Kirk's time it is dire times yes yes and news we all understand but you're not famous and we know there's a all the Coachella this announcement is to the pacers would have apple has gone. I've heard from Donnelly is not heard from domino wild but dom from Winfield is on the line hey darn I am. They're. Corcoran really horrible what great. I've looked at some point he does and did well when I. This is Jerry into person B yeah of the clones that doesn't. Listen to you yeah. You've got to give them not to kill myself. Nobody cares which include air I mean were you you'd where you where you've. I would witness protection will. You know you know listen to you know that you really occur I feel field but c'mon were you pleased you're gonna get where. That. Again thank you Don it's not. It's not Stew it's not stupid. It's it's not it's it's it's insane. It's literally it's insane it's people have it's it the only I would say is a mental illnesses we use and the other elements I think people have to know that that's. I think most people do most not all not all. I think I do and I think. I still can't get this out of my mind that the work that every parent figured you know senior you care what tickets. You really do that are really good. You would. He's not hurt them you would devastate her own children country Tony things are now angle that. I'm just onto and have trouble in on grass again it's like it's the same is like saying if your cancer and you died you let your kids. But that's note that a choice to say this is a choice I think for those people there so gone mentally tough choice but Ellen rumblings have a choice. Robin Williams had who bought the dimension but worst. Illness she could government right so we knew was coming and he was gonna die in his mind was gonna go sure it was a nightmare still is living in this nightmare but structural before he got that diagnosis that he was suicidal. Auto don't effortless. You of immediate deep depression for you have an amateur leagues right here right Alitalia but even knowing that doing that. It's donut that's nurtured its commitments it was like you know plus he's older schedule are true boys and younger kids that devastating day five year old just seems so. You know inhumane seemed so unnatural death and I don't you know I don't think those people of it at that point is choice and I Paulson Jolson the Paul. I don't merits what's up. Kirk I think it was a tremendous. Presentations. And he says it's something that. I really want kind of burned out it was a huge difference between wanting what's going on just off. And wanting to chill yourself. And I think what you want ridiculous you warned that things to just stop based upon how do you describe it. And I really commend you for wanting to create a network. Of people that you can talk to and recognizing that you were not found that. Because I've had experience in recovery program for ten years mental well. I'll also has date person let's start with that and the depression that's been. Peer support people. And I think is change some tremendous things tonight I encourage you in your recovery. How good idea partisanship Augusta was also recovered a thank you ice record as important to you in recovery. Duncan thank you Paul they've got. I guess I mean technically I guess I don't I did that's stuff I don't feel better than they did we were. Most of the people in your group's alcoholics and drug addicts we I didn't really we didn't really get that part. Of that really were some I think who suffered from that stuff for short would say most that say there were plenty yet and putting these people. You know I feel terrible for these people these are people who will stay in some of them for three months you know. Five months six months who you know don't that they don't have a lot to go back to this is their life had been in their 45 times almost more comfortable in the air. I want in their house terrified the whole time is nicer ones did you sleep. A little bit meeting once again to scare people from chicken in every five minutes a night middle and the whole life is that they think he's somebody may perhaps. Legal community rope to than they do not know I mean we've you if you move up you get more freedom like in here able to get whatever this of that but yet. Yes watch TV and watching TV radio. Then listen to radio the last turning it must issue. Hope I don't do this is a trigger Erica. PTA dot com we talked to John from god or do they John Hutton. And I think but I never got a lot of Kirk that I knew coming out and be public I can't imagine being a public figure deal that was some of these things. Jerry let's imagine the public to know some good to have. Chevy I think the people that don't do some of these things reflecting a logic vs an element. And you look at it logically which is totally reasonable but large is kind of removed from things when you're in this. I think Jirga held up I would say that your defense not letting juries dealt with in his life maybe that individually but in his life like anybody SI has dealt with that night but I think you're looking at it. And if you understand when I say that some really can speak administration understand that but just. Sort of. It's hard on the best explanation I heard was someone talking about it that he board name and he had everything going on at great seemingly had a great life. They said that was the only way he knew how to end the pain practice that's what it is is it's this pain have to stop this pain and you don't think of Findlay on the confused shoppers. He knows is his wife when it which was girlfriend he thinks of this pain and I look at them and it. I was having a hard time getting through every I mean I remember we were at that golf term I split early in the house weepy all the time on back and hotel industry cried for an hour I know I couldn't control. I had no control and it took a look for the six hour round. Yes that's pathetic I'm kind of dug when he was no worse but I played this week like I got so super weepy the last few months I was looking at the dinner be walking around insisting he just it's. It's a point they say they said sand from cars things have to surrender to this that ignites them up and drinking I just have to surrender that this thing. Has beaten me have to figure out. Liberal. And and that's never that's a process battles are never going I mean I mean with meditation intrigue doesn't is no cure I don't know you know there's no cure it's in my life and I don't know how much progress we've made in a mean like I don't know. Helmets to these lithium which is that in you know they used fifteen years ago the progress has been be able talk about that's right and the prime suspect but I think you know medication. Everyone says Lex are pros greats will find Oprah do reads let's go too well Mike can Mike on the cape Mike. Could comment or whatever or think about the whole situation. Would sort of dormant so well. I don't know occurred during a book has bought. A lot of depression comes from like in the construction. Then you know breaking news. In my opinion. You know urged silent radio. I've always looked at you know and get what people think about it so on the radio org look at and I think. You know I don't wanna dress up as some of. Just like society all decent dedicated decent guy that's been. I think you can sit attributed good guy in the past to do this signing into. So it Israel keep it between those two things and it causes depression. This job cause you depression depression before I was here while I'm here after years that's that's I do think. Is layers of stress that to me is obviously humans no doubt we know that. But that's also. Like you know let's be I am I terrible and more but my show more than save rich desert nailed I just do. Or or I didn't want anybody which is not always held land there and I just think I care more anybody else to point where it gets unhealthy. Yes that's all I mean it's you know Hal Sutton more successful. Here. But it is the question though but he works harder and nobody cares it's also that. Much and I probably get the question more than anyone is you know what's he really can now mean. You get that a blow me and him but not nearly as much. And I always have to explain to people that you are good guys and they really easy relieve him want him in ways we're good friends Romans is really don't hate them. Bill is that what it sounds like that he true. I don't think so you. Don't never added to explain to people of great guy great fodder. We have this we did disagreements but you know like last Thursday's empathetic human meeting but that's what you can be good guy and I'll speed think that's that's true. Yes good guy got all different instincts for on the front and nice people that is true we got a funny guy and a dinner with the place Jeff Jeff is again to Jeff. In regards him right. I'm good thanks funny joke that while ago don't calls against you actually wants and one other thing in N out burger with calls into a cult icons we are going in you know idea. You guys so very generous from a PNC ride and met my raise more money that I was hoping to an. You'll give me the smallest nation that. Really what didn't and bucks that's the case. That's nice though had her ability have every dollar counts are real wide open. This moment call 617 report criticized about wouldn't be good news about to go on the tax line but no one's called yet to call you vote for your astronauts. Six beam a little soft six months of the last thing that's happening now I'd like that kid did to its patent slapped that's right Vietnam. In Patton ought to taps some caps tempest right yes same guy but I know that's not a it's very easy school as Archie Bunker so as to general George C. Scott search that's right I applied to open 61777. 790 recent headlines with Chris Curtis by.